


Seek a Newer World

by lostindaedream



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst?, Felix is not human, M/M, Suicide Attempt, changlix, i love them, sorry changbin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-02
Updated: 2020-01-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 16:01:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22089808
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostindaedream/pseuds/lostindaedream
Summary: Changbin sees no meaning in his life. Felix does.
Relationships: Lee Felix/Seo Changbin
Kudos: 11





	Seek a Newer World

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so trigger warning here: Attempted Suicide  
> I hope you enjoy!  
> More chapters will, hopefully, follow soon!

Changbin was absolutely sure that what he saw was real and at the same time, he was telling himself that no, this is just some side effect, some malfunction of his mind from all the things that were currently destroying his insides. 

He looked so real though, how he hovered over him. How he wrinkled his nose, mixed emotions showing on his young face. 

He couldn’t help but wonder about how real his eyes looked, so real that he couldn’t possibly imagine it; dark drown, like the wood of the maples around him, glistening with sprinkles of light. 

His lips, too, so real, soft pink with a slight pout. 

What was he doing here? They were deep in the forest, he made sure that no one was around. No one to witness, no one to stop him. 

He wanted to ask the boy what he was doing here, why he was just staring at him with that look on his face, but speaking was hard; thinking was hard. 

He lost track of time. When did Changbin‘s brain start to feel empty? Whipped out of everything that made sense to him just minutes ago? 

He was unable to let his lips form any comprehensive words. Who are you? Are you really with me? 

The questions overwhelmed Changbin‘s throbbing head. 

He didn’t want to think. 

He wanted to get his last minutes over with, in peace. With no one around him, just him and his thoughts. 

The boy above him still watched closely as the Changbin let out a few groans; pain burning deep in his stomach. It was weird. How he felt and at the same time didn’t. 

Oversensitivity meeting numbness. 

He felt his throat burn because of how desperately his body tried to puke the pills he took out, while his legs were as numb as one’s hands are on a cold winter day. 

Of course, he didn’t expect dying to be anything less than an immensely uncomfortable and painful experience, but damn, he prayed for this to be over soon. 

The end, the end. Where is it? 

With every second it became more and more exhausting to keep his eyes focused on anything, to even keep them open. 

The leaves of the trees above him swayed from one side to the other. Green against blue. 

A sunny Tuesday morning in Spring. 

Damn, he hadn’t seen the sun for months, and exactly now that he was dying, the universe decided for her to come back. 

When did he last felt the sun tickling his skin? Warming up his body. Red cheeks. 

And as he was thinking and not thinking of the sun, Changbin noticed his surroundings growing less and less defined. 

The sky, the forest, everything merged into one. Shapes disappeared. Green and blue and white and- 

Changbin almost forgot about the boy next to him, until his, looking back at it, incredibly deep voice pulled him out of the growing darkness his mind wandered into. 

"I don’t understand you, human." His frowning grew deeper, as he spoke softly down to him. 

He looked at Changbin’s face and hands and torso and his school bag laying on the forest ground beside his body. 

Human? 

The boy’s small hands picked up the plastic bottle laying soundly by Changbin’s right hand. He took a look inside, observing it as if he has never seen anything like it before. There was nothing to look at. The bottle was empty. He made sure of that. 

He didn’t know what happened next: At this point, Changbin lost track of reality completely. 

His body felt like an empty shell. Foreign, wrong. 

And as his mind wandered further and further away, his pain was gone. Cold nothingness. 

The last glimpse of life he witnessed, was the boy taking Changbin‘s hand in his, eyes not leaving his face. 

Do whatever, mysterious imaginary boy, I’m done here. 

And so Changbin drifted away from the light and life and from everything he hated. 

When Changbin woke up, there was no sun shining in his face. 

His head felt as heavy and throbbing as it did that one morning after he decided to drown two bottles of soju all by himself in his junior year of high school. 

Why did he feel like that? What happened? 

And where was he? 

His senses didn’t quite work normally yet. 

All he could process were hard branches pocking his back and arms and legs. 

What the hell? 

Slowly, he started to move his body, trying to get a feel back in his limbs. Then he felt, how cold he was. Icy, even. 

He looked around and saw that the forest around him was painted in a deep sunset red. Glimpses of sunlight shone through the trees, not strong enough to reach him and warm his body, though. 

Then the boy just sat there for a few minutes, maybe 2, maybe 5, maybe 10, during which his mind desperately tried to pick up on what happened to him. 

And when he pieced together all the shreds of memories, all the random glimpses that appeared before his eyes, Changbin was hit with a wave of frustration, of anger and nausea, he has never experienced before. He wanted to cry and scream and never experience anything good in his life again. 

How? How did he fail? 

It couldn’t be true. He felt it, felt himself dying. 

Was this real? 

Was he dead? 

Was this some kind of afterlife? 

Next to him was his backpack, the pill bottle peacefully laying beside it. 

Changbin‘s heart started racing, tears springing to his eyes. 

Fuck, no, no, no. 

He begged, no, he prayed that this wasn’t real. 

That this wasn’t him in his old life. 

He failed, huh? He really did. 

Panic, sheer white panic filled his brain until he couldn’t take it anymore, so he picked up his things, minus the bottle, and got up. 

He stumbled through the forest, nearly falling at the parts where the climb-down was the strongest. 

Even though he most definitely wasn’t dead, he felt like it. 

Like he didn’t belong in this world anymore. 

He felt so foreign walking down the streets that led from the hill down to his neighbourhood even though they were the place he had called his home for as long as he could think. 

Everything was just as always, definitely the world he knew. 

All the thoughts roaming in his head made the time pass quickly, so fast even that Changbin suddenly found himself standing in the entrance hallway of his family‘s house. 

His breathing was still going heavy, as he just stood there thinking. About what he was going to do, what he was going to say. 

The light in the living room was on, the sound of his mother’s hectic voice echoing through the lower floor. 

What was he going to do? 

What was he actually going to do? 

Sneaking upstarts to his room was no option. 

His mother most definitely knew that he was not in school today. There was no way to avoid her. 

Changbin thought of something, anything to say that made even the tiniest bit of sense, oh god. Changbin was scared of what was about to come. 

He had been gone all day, not available on his phone. 

He couldn’t tell her. 

He couldn’t. 

Never. 

Changbin decided at this moment to deal with today as if it never happened. 

Like he didn’t try to end his life today. 

And so, walked into the living room where he instantly caught the attention of his mother. 

Still dressed in her outfit she wore for work, a glass of blood-red wine in her hand, she had her phone pressed to one ear while striding up and down the spacious room. 

Her sharp eyes pierced him. 

It’s all good.  
You’re okay. Get yourself together, Changbin. It’s okay. 

"Sooyeon, he’s here. I’m calling you back." Changbin’s mother hung up the phone.  
Here we go, Changbin thought.  
Lying is easy, so much easier than everything else he had to deal with.  
And it was most certainly easier than telling her what had happened today. 

"Changbin." Her eyes were furious, so unlike the way she normally was with everyone else but him.  
The same look Changbin was given when he came home with the worst grade of his class in Math last year. Or when he told her and his dad that one time during dinner that he wanted to start competing in rap competitions. 

Rebellion, hope, frustration.

"I’m giving you a minute to explain where the hell you think you went today. And I really hope that your lie is a good one."

Changbin wished he was back in the forest.  
On his back, laying on the cold ground.  
He craved for the light he saw.


End file.
